Growing up as the youngest child and socialized as a young girl, I took on the role of being the “good, quiet Asian girl.” For me, what this looked like was making sure I was on everybody’s good side. What I didn’t realize was, I was learning to seek safety, validation, and approval by erasing my needs and prioritizing other people.

As a people-pleaser, you learn to find stability by taking care of the world around you. And the less secure you feel in your own self, the more you’ll learn to adapt your behavior to please others. And while this pattern of behavior certainly has its strengths (the world needs community-builders and caretakers!), we hit trouble when we realize there’s one person we’ve consistently been leaving behind: ourselves.

What people-pleasing really is, is self-abandonment.

Signs you may be people-pleasing:

• Saying yes and later on regretting that choice (realizing you meant no)

• Fawning

• Focusing more on others and sharing little about yourself

• You might be the “therapist” for your friends

• Feeling exhausted from social interaction

• Resentment that no one supports you

• Overextending (offering your time/energy even though you’re exhausted)

The good thing is, it’s never too late to interrupt the pattern of self-abandonment. The great news is, it’s totally possible to be a caring human in service of the world, while also prioritizing your own needs and desires. In fact, it’s ideal!

Working with me, you will…

• Understand the history of this pattern (including trauma)

• Celebrate its gifts

• Develop emotional resilience (tolerating anger, shame, etc.)

• Reconnect with your authentic voice

• Own your yes’s and no’s (boundary work)

• Find your own solid ground

• Shift from caretaking (assuming responsibility for the needs of others) to caring (holding in mind the best for others)

• Assume responsibility for yourself

• Lead with compassion